dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
