kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
