he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
