Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
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We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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