Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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