if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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