Yo dont text me then not text me
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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