I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
