I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
