Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
