lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
