R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
