I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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