That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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