Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
bring money and cleavage
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
