I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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