She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
