Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
