how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
