You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
What a dumb baby whore.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
