I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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