do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
