if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
