I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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