Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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