HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
40s are totally the cure
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
