Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
