Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And then the night went full on bisexual.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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