Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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