when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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