why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
