this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
They took my balls.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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