my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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