remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
