and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
