Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
