i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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