ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
