Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
