i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
