Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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