pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
