I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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