Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
