"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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