omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
