I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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