true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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