so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I can't turn off my feet"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
