I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
