It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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