I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
