A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
