As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
