My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
