Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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